Some Say He's A Reptilian Alien

Matt and I once again found ourselves in the position to play a game, and he suggested 7TV: Apocalypse, taking advantage of a board set up that I don't think he's been able to fully use before

I took with me a cast that I'd also (I think) never used, my Visitors from 'V'.

My hastily thrown together 40 rating cast was as follows:

Diana - Next Gen (Star)

Steven - Bad Lieutenant (Co-Star)

John - Alien War Leader (Extra)

Lydia - Alien War Priest (Extra)

2 Visitors - Alien Troopers (Extras)

2 Visitor Shock Troopers (Extras)

Truck with Hood Machine Gun

Given that I was fielding an Alien invasion force from America in the early 1980s, Matt fielded a thoroughly fitting opposing cast: Stig from Top Gear and his post-apocalyptic cult:

Stig - Terminal Crazy (Star)

Lucy's Mum - Bad Lieutenant (Co-Star)

Lucy - Gunner (Extra)

Stig Backley - Petrolhead (Extra)

3 Stiglets - Joyriders (Extras)

Producer - VIP (Extra)

Racer with Tail Gun

Big Rig with Pneumatic Weapon

The scenario we rolled up was The Hit and so here's our attempt to make this encounter make some kind of sense...

In the wake of the Visitors' arrival on Earth (which was not in the eighties) they began their stigmatisation of humanity's scientific community.

Unfortunately for the producers of Top Gear, the hilarious idea of making them wear white coats resulted in them being targetted along with actual boffins.

In an attempt to protect the last producer, Clarkson had the idea of putting him in the safest place on the show: the Stig's passenger seat.

Accompanied only by a group of fans known as Stiglets and 10 year old super-fan Lucy (and her mum), Stig takes to the road trying to keep the Producer safe.

However, the Visitor high command becomes aware them when the Stig passes through Los Angeles, and, presuming that the hapless producer must be a threat to their plans, set out to ambush the convoy.

Scene 1

The Visitor ambush squad advanced through the slums of Los Angeles, under the command of John.

No one was entirely sure why the commander of the entire invasion had joined them, but, to be honest, it wasn't the strangest element of a mission to assassinate a scientist who was in the company of a tame racing driver and his convoy of fanatical followers.

Steven and Diana edged through the ruined buildings still arguing. Diana was certain that this so-called 'Producer' was a clear and present threat to their plans. Why else would these 'Top Gear' people go to such ridiculous lengths to protect him?

Steven, who had watched 15 minutes of one episode of Top Gear, disagreed.

Other Visitors secured the area, looking for potential threats.

Scene 2

The Stig's heightened senses spotted the figures in bright orange uniforms trying hide along the road, and dud the only thing he knew how to do: accelerate.

Behind his Lambo, the Stiglets piled out of the reaaonably priced lorry ready to prove their loyalty.

After making sure that Lucy had her sandwiches with her, Lucy's Mum had been dropped off and made her way to the top of a nearby building, with the aim of providing covering fire. 

Scene 3 (Steal the Scene)

Stig used his sudden acceptation to pull a complete 180 degree handbrake turn, allowing his tail-gunner Lucy to spray the jumpsuited aliens with machine gun fire.

However, with accuracy straight out of an 80's TV show, no aliens were harmed in the making of this scene.

Meanwhile, the Stiglets spread out, trying to secure good positions (and the objectives) to counter attack.

Scene 4

Having spun his car round, the Stig had unwittingly put the Producer sat in the passenger seat in Steven's sights.

Closing one eye, Steven took careful aim and fired, hitting the Producer in the chest and killing him outright.

The other Visitors opened fire at the Stiglets, but were foiled by the intervening walls. However, a Shock Trooper took a pot shot at Stig's Lambo and found its armour lacking.

John had an idea...

Lydia drove the Visitor transport round the corner and opened up on the Lambo as well. Although the car was unharmed, Lucy stopped firing.

If Stig could speak he'd have asked if she was okay, but he couldn't so he didn't.

Scene 5 (Steal the Scene)

"Mousie, oh mousie..."

In what can only be described as a continuity error, a Visitor emerged from a skip having been looking for a snack where two scenes earlier a Stiglet had been seen lurking.

John ordered his Troopers to open fire on Stig's Lambo and a hail of deadly laser blasts slammed into it, wrecking the vehicle.

Stig stumbled out of the car and fell to the ground momentarily stunned, but fortunately, the mouse-hunting Visitor couldn't managed to hit his prone form.

Lydia brought the transport slowly round to corner to add to the weight of fire but somehow lost control and sent the vehicle slamming into a nearby building, smashing the blaster clean off.

She calmly exited the vehicle and walked away as if that was exactly how she meant to park it, daring anybody to claim otherwise.

Scene 6

Shaking off his confusion, Stig got to his feet and launched himself at the nearest Visitor, but was unable to land a telling blow. However, he did toss a damaged fire extinguisher at Diana, throwing her off balance as the skip she had clambered into (possibly looking for a mouse too) was engulfed in smoke.

Have seen the damage inflicted on the Lambo and only Stig emerge from the wreckage, Lucy's panic-stricken mum opened fire at the back of Steven's head, but the tears in her eyes affected her aim and her shots went wide.

A confused Stiglet in a different part of the battlefield checked his script, trying to ascertain how his character had got there and what his motivation was for the scene.

In a desperate attempt to protect Stig from another deadly volley of laser fire, the Stigley driving the lorry moved it between his hero and the orange-clad invaders.

Scene 7

Laser blasts impacted harmlessly into the massive vehicle, but as the extinguisher smoke cleared it couldn't save Stig from taking a blast to the helmet from Diana, taking him out of the fight.

Turn 8

Having complained to the director that the script made no sense, the Stiglet from the skip was rewritten to be attacking the Visitors by surprise.

Failing to make the most of his big break, the Stiglet launched a Molotov cocktail at the group but managed to leave them all unscathed.

Meanwhile, the director also realised John being part of the ambush made no sense and rewrote him to be Commanding from the sidelines.

Needless to say, Richard Herd wasn't happy about this, but he remained in the episode as there wasn't the time or budget to reshoot earlier scenes.

The director hoped nobody would spot the error.

Filled with rage and grief, Lucy's Mum continued to fire down at Steven, managing eventually to hit him in the shoulder.

Scene 9

In a moment that would not be picked up on later in the series again (much like the Visitor's ability to spit acid), the director blew the prosthetics budget on a state of the art close up shot of Steven's wound healing itself; special effects that would definitely stand the test of time and not be rendered ridiculous by the development of CGI.

Steven smirked and then took a shot back at his would be Assassin, injuring her.

Diana also took careful aim and killed the Stiglet driving the lorry.

This caused the driverless vehicle to veer out of control and away from the action.

The Visitors then began the mopping up of the rest of the Stiglets.

Their deadly laser blasters making short work of the over-enthusiastic fanboys.

Scenes 10+

The writing was on the wall as the Stiglets were hunted down one by one, despite their desperate attempts to fight back.

Lucy's Mum surveyed the scene of destruction. The Stig was down (was it possible to kill him?), the Producer was dead and she had no idea what had happened to her daughter. She could only retreat and hope that Lucy still lived and hadn't been taken to the Alien mothership for lunch.

And on that bombshell...

Visitors 12 - Stig 2

Ouch! That was brutal.

Matt was cursed with an inability to roll successful strikes and this was compounded by me drawing really useful Countdown Cards at exactly the right time and having fearsome combination of weapon abilities (Deadly), star qualities (Gifted) and mutations (Cyclops, X-Ray Vision) allowing me to kill who I wanted when I wanted.

Still, fun was had and silliness ensued, as is the way with 7TV.